Clipse's journey of being a better person!

I keep smiling, because I don't want anyone to feel my sadness

2011-07-09T04:03:00.000+08:00

Now, people around me think that I devote myself to career in some level......

Yet, friends sometimes mistake some male friends as my potential boyfriends...that's good!I am sick of telling any person in the world how sorry I am...even......I feel the same way till today......I feel sorry for what I have done on a April's fool, the biggest joke in my life......

even today, I miss him badly......still......

However......
I will never let myself to contact him, as......he will never let me to "contact" him, unless he wants to contact me again......I have learn this theory clearly after the first few fights with him......

It's sad....but what I can do is....to sit and wait as always......To wait for his return or to wait for my mind forget him in total!

see which one comes faster this time......

(p.s. I know it's been a long long time......)

I have finally learnt my lesson...

2011-07-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

After watching Transformer:Dark of the Moon......I finally clear up my mind...

When Sam's parent told him, his dad always go after his mum......at that moment, my mind finally clear! Mr. D came back every time after we have made a mess! He is the one who need to gamble a lot for this relationship......at least my parent do not live in OZ, I don't need to face them all the time......and , he never yell at my parent for what I have done......

Every time he came back after the mess we have made, he would change......but I am the one who never cherish the chance......

People may think that he was the asshole in this relationship, yet ......we were both silly, especially me......I never change......NEVER~

and I am the one who asked him to stay away from me, who can I blame for his disappear? No one but myself......

can't believe I miss him still......

2011-05-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

Before the crazy week starts, our director from England office sent out an e-mail, and offer us a wonderful treats after the crazy week.

Yet, can't believe what's in my mind is...if I am with Mr. D (and if he is in HKG...), we can enjoy this wonderful treats together......what's wrong with me?

He was in my dream last night

2011-05-20T01:56:00.000+08:00

Gosh...a dream of him made me feel so comfortable.......
what is going on with me?

Blackberry VS i phone?

2011-05-10T22:11:00.001+08:00

Even most of the Hongkongness prefer i phone, For me, I always prefer Blackberry!

It's so much easier for me to check my e-mails for work and the small business I am running with friends!

And I finally understand why people can't get enough of their blackberry after using for more than one year......as I finally get a job which makes me busy, a blackberry helps me a lot for the small business ~ I can simply reply e-mail asap!

I can't imagine my life without my little blackberry after I left ArtMap : P

I have to make myself to believe.....

2011-05-07T13:31:00.000+08:00

I have to make myself to believe everything with MR. D was a dream......

There were a lot of time I wanna get an air ticket and go to Australia to seek for him, to tell him I am sorry......but ......I am no longer as emotional as before, I know I must break my heart badly if I do this , and I don't think I can handle this crisis with my previous job, which was soooooo stressful!

Australia is a beautiful place, yet, I never think that is a place I love to stay before 30, I want to see around the world, I need the speed, I need the excited and I need the challenge!

I have to make myself to believe ...... everything I had with Mr. D is only a dream......

What's the meaning of life.....

2011-05-03T07:52:00.001+08:00

all in a suddenly, I am thinking , what's the meaning of life....

We wake up everyday, we go to school/ work...

find someone we love ...maybe we can find that, maybe we can't..

days after days.....

serious, what's the meaning of life?

when will my nighmare ends?

2011-05-01T16:28:00.000+08:00

What is going on with me?
what is wrong with me?

Why am I not letting go ?
Why am I living in my memory?

I am glad that he is totally disappear in my life in somehow

2011-04-30T04:02:00.000+08:00

In somehow.....I am glad he totally disappear from my world......

When I was watching the Royal Wedding, I was like "gosh, I think I will collapse if I see his wedding picture" I can't believe I still have that thought in my mind after such a long time......what is going on with me? Seriously!!!!!!

Life is not bad, fair tale always happen when we believe...

2011-04-30T03:40:00.000+08:00

The United Kingdom of Britain does have her charm! The PR team did a wonderful job for the United Kingdom of Britain with Will and Kate's wedding! We need fair tale to make us to believe--"life is not bad, fair tale always happen when we believe"

Golden opportunity

2011-04-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

Whoever in my work field knows that I have got a chance in the Art Fair (even for short term), they always say "it's a good one", today, someone who I respect a lot even told me it's a "golden opportunity"......

I do feel a lot of pressure now...

I should have confidence for myself.....yet......It just....too good to be true......

guy ...just like to chase......

2011-04-24T20:02:00.001+08:00

Sometimes....when I was drunk.....I would admit I am still waiting for Mr. D to other male friends....

And all these guys would tell me the same answer..."if a guy really loves you, he will never ever let you alone, blah blah blah......"

I hate myself still missing Mr. D deep in my heart! I really hate it! Why can't I let go of my past? there are so many good guys passed by...and I always act as I have someone with me, why am I doing this? Why can't I admit I am single?

Guy just like to chase......but....deep in my heart, I only want Mr. D atm.....who is someone I can't get at all....

Strangers, again

2011-04-24T15:23:00.002+08:00

ok...I do admit first impression is very important

2011-04-23T15:01:00.001+08:00

I do wanna make my hair perm....yet......after thinking for a few days....I have designed to do that after the fair....as foreigners always prefer Asian gals to have straight hair, and ....it's easier for me to keep my hair tidy if its straight......I have to arrive the office around 08:30...as my manager goes to work at 08:45, I promised myself I must go there earlier than her everyday!

Finally able to wear some decent clothes when I start my new job....I prefer to wear casually in my previous job, as....there were too many things need me to fix ...and it's not easy for me to do everything when I wear some decent clothes, with Jeans, I can simply sit on the ground and do whatever I need to do...I know, I know, I need to do some physical works in this new job as well, yet, the environment is clean, I feel ok t sit on the ground even with a decent clothes, I know there will be no stain on the ground : )

To be honest, I can't wait for this new starts! Even it may not be a long term thing, I am glad that I was picked for a short term anyway, it's one of the dream jobs in the art field : )

The only method to forget your ex...is to fall in love with a new one

2011-04-22T06:44:00.000+08:00

Maybe....it's truth....the only method to forget your ex, is to fall in love with a new one......

Today is my last day at work, and......I have no hard feeling at all, since......a new job is waiting for me after the Easter Holiday~

In my mind, I can only think of what should I do to prefer for the new job, for the old one....I don't really care~

Maybe ...... I should open my heart in all aspects as well~

Anyways, I can't wait for a new chapter for work after Easter : )

There are only 5 ways to stay in the HKG' s Art Fields

2011-04-20T01:32:00.001+08:00

1. You are not Asians.
2. You have wonderful networks.
3. You don't know Chinese even you are Chinese.
4. You are very smart and know everything about Art
5. You can gossips ......

and for me....I can only reach the lowest level......

gosh......It's a really bad things!!!!!!

After tonight......I rememeber the night I tried to raise the problem of my dad to Mr. D ages ago......

2011-04-18T03:11:00.002+08:00

Mum was in so pain tonight, we never see this in our lifetime ...and my sis called the ambulance in mid-night......

As expected, my Dad went crazy and try to find any reason to yell at me and my sis, he is someone who can never ever handle any situation.....to be honest, I do wish he can "go away" before mum, as....I am not sure if I can handle him alone with my sis......
I I I
I suddenly realize the reason I love Mr. D a lot is......he is the only man I love who I believed he is able to stop my dad's crazy reaction! As I know he always give strong statement towards others, and with the way he talks, my dad must scared!

When I was in the ER just then, I suddenly realize, I am so weak, and I only want someone who are strong enough to stop my dad's craziness whenever thing happen, no matter that accident is to my dad or any family member!

Yet.....I do know deep in my heart, Mr. D only got the impression to others he can handle any accident, yet, in reality, he must be a chicken.....I was expecting too much from him in the past, and i remember one night....I tried to raise the personal problem of my dad to him, and he yelled and said he didn't want to know, I really should remember that all the time! As ......if I really want to be with someone for the rest of my life, and vise verse, he has to face the problem I am facing as well.....

On the other hand, I can't be a good daughter - in - law for Mr. D's parent, how could I expect he can be the son-in law for my parent?

Gosh...I really have to stop my feeling for him, and looking forward!

The best Love story will be continous in the memroy ......

2011-04-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

My love to Mr. D is like the last line from this Music Video, I have changed, but ....it's too late......

if I am still with Mr. D....

2011-04-17T23:06:00.001+08:00

When I am counting the cost for the business, I was like, Gosh, if Mr. D was with me, I could have save so many troubles!

I am only good at public relation, customer service, photo shooting and some design works. My partners are very good at sourcing and the labor work...with some design skills as well...if Mr. D with me, he can do all the calculation for us, and our business can grow so much quicker.....

Gosh......I am using any excuse to let myself to miss Mr. D...yet, I do know the more i miss hm, the more he is moving forward!

A man will never cherish a woman who love him a lot, as he knows she will be waiting for him.......the can play hard......

I know I know, he is not only playing now...... he has given up on me ages ago......I am the silly one......

the line from John Keats to Fanny Brawne......

2011-04-17T20:25:00.001+08:00

A friend told me John Keats once had such lines, "I almost wish we were butterflies and lived but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." - Letter to Fanny Brawne.

I have to be extremely tough if I want my dream comes true! I can't get involved into any "Love", I love "Love" a lot! Beside love from others (if there is any), I have to leave all my feeling and regret to Mr. D behind, even, I got to admit,the real reason I tried hard to expend my possibility for businesses (like the leather shop before, and keep running the lolly shop and online business) is just simply because I really want him to know I have changed, I am not as useless as the Clipse in OZ! I start all these business without family support! And the "dream comes true" job invited me to go there for a trial, a job (even it's temporary term) all the juniors in HKG 's Art Field dying for.

I know, the Clipse in Mr. D's heart is only a spoiled chic with no skill and always behaves badly, but I am changing...I am changing...

There is no way I can reach him now, and I am sure he has no interest for any news of me now, as he already be with someone else, why do I still care of him? Why? Why? Why?

Why can't I try to open up my heart? Why I have to stop seeing guys after the second dinner dates? what's wrong with me? Mr. D has moved forward, why can't I move forward? What am I waiting?

I am a miracle maker! And I want to keep my name as miracle maker

2011-04-16T20:33:00.000+08:00

Finally confirmed there will be someone replacing my "important" role, I am able to go and face this "once in a lifetime" chance now. At the moment, it's on contract basic, if I can make it through, it will be a long term thing!!!!!!

I can only tell a few people about this, as ...this is a job way too good for me! I am not sure if I can make it to be a permanent position. Yet, I have promised myself, show them the miracle Clipse!

I know I never good at school, I hate sitting in a classroom and wait for knowledge! From the past experiences, if I am intend to make something happen, nothing can stop me! I hope this will be like my pass as well......

Now, I have a chance to fight for the glory, I must try my very best not to lose it! Even I can only sleep 2 hours a day! And if I lose it...everyone can understand...as it's way too good for me, seriously!!!!!!!!!!!Even for myself, I do know the job it's way too good for me, and for my ability, I am not qualified for that! Yet, I got a chance to make this "dream comes true", why not make another miracle? I won't lose anything even it ends after 30th June! It will be one of the best memories for my career!

After taking this temporary job, I feel so much better...even Love is the most important thing in my life, I prefer to take thing as they are now......I still miss him a lot......and I am too late to know the feeling of I do love him no matter what...anyways, just focus on my career now......

Gosh....please makes this happen

2011-04-16T05:05:00.000+08:00

I really want this "once in a life" chance...even it's temporary, yet, it's going to be an wonderful experience......and...I will try my very best, hopefully I can achieve to make this as a long term thing.......

I want to go ......

Please send someone to replace me ASAP!!!!!!

Am I really over him? what is going on with me?

2011-04-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

the feeling of fighting against my heart is crazy ......
one day, I will tell myself i am all good, the next day, I am feeling not ok......
I know...I have to let go , this is not good~
if I can't let go, there are no way I can move forward....

But what is going on? after a colleague told me I Can't find anyone in HKG.....I was...really out of my mind...a bit depress for her word......

Yet, deep in my heart, I do know me and Mr. D can never have any good ending, which is why I sent that e-mail out.

what is going on with me? seriously? What is going on?

Sometimes, I just wanna yell out now......

2011-04-10T00:40:00.000+08:00

I still miss him badly....

and I am trying my very hard to change myself, I really do......

yes......I do admit......I still miss MR. D a lot

2011-04-09T11:24:00.000+08:00

if any of my friend saw this, they are going to kill me......

yes, I do admit it..there are a few guys asking me out for dinner....yet......deep in my heart......I still miss Mr.D a lot......

yes, all the people keep telling me as a female, we have no choice. Male will approach to us if they are interested to us....in somehow I do admit that's true.......

but...can't I have my own feeling?

I am trying my very best to change ... I am learning to cook, I am learning to be mature!

I know Mr. d is with someone else, but..can you all leave me alone? please......

I am happy to be single in 2011 as well

2011-04-07T00:04:00.000+08:00

I have been lost in 2009 - 2011....yet, I am done!

I am happily to be single in 2011 a well, it's a punishment to myself!

only find someone who already play enough

2011-04-04T23:23:00.005+08:00

Was having a drink with a friend after work....

She is getting marry soon, she gives me an advice : find someone who has played enough, as..people who never play when they were young...once there's a seducement in font of them in their middle-age, they can't resist and ..may end up to be a disaster......

I do agree with her......and in somehow, I know Mr. D always wanna play around, as he always claim he never play when he was a teens...

There is one thing so difference between us, he tends to hang out with people who will look up to him, so he can have influence in the group, but for me, I tend to hang out with people who are mature, and they can always give me new experience, also guide me to the right way from their experiences.

Anyways, I believe I finally over Mr. D!

Finally!

Two years......

2011-04-01T09:44:00.000+08:00

it's been two years......

My big step for today is ......
I have finally give up using the wallet I brought for me and him......

My dad has issue again......and this make me to wake up again

2011-03-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

Tonight, my dad has a situation again......I am so helpless......I wish there are someone besides me, and tell me what should I do......

< Lie to me>

2011-03-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

after I came back to HKG for good, and after I have sent the e-mail to Mr. D....I was very addicted to a TV drama called < Lie to me>, I wanna learn if Mr. D was truly into me when he knew I got a one way ticket back home.......or he just ...playing around with me......

I knew..I am only making excuse not to forget about Mr. D.....but......I still miss him..... a lot ......I still hoping...he will come and seek for me again like he used to be.....

A song reminds me of Mr. HK

2011-03-25T23:06:00.003+08:00

Whenever I hear this song, it reminds me ...what if..I have the guts to run away with Mr. HK....what would happen?

Relief

2011-03-24T22:00:00.002+08:00

7 May is the day for a new life : )

Sometimes, I do blame all my Exes, especially Mr. D......

2011-03-20T22:46:00.076+08:00

I went to visit my cuz's baby girl (finally...due to Chinese custom.......mmm, my granny from mum side passed away when she was born)....and she is sooooo lovely.

Even she tried so hard to escape from my arm when I first held her, yet, after a while, she was settled down, and even slept peacefully in my arms.

My crazy sis kept saying that if I am lucky, I could have give birth to my own baby...this reminds me of Mr. J......if I did agree to marry him when he proposed....yeah, I should have give birth to our very first born soon or later! Yet, if I marry him , I would never meet Mr. D......or even Mr. L and Mr. HK , even I never truly fall into Mr. L and Mr. HK, yet, they still play a small part in my life......Mr. L taught me how to drink wine (I finally found out they are only the basic after years ~ but without him, I don't even know how to drink) and Mr. HK taught me what's the meaning of patience......

Sometimes, I do blame all my Exes, especially Mr. D.....it's not fair to say that to Mr. D, but ....I was spoiled by my exes before I met Mr. D...and Mr. D ....he used to come back after all the crazy acts I have done......How could he do it? My acts were way too crazy ~

And now...after I came back to HKG for good....guys who I met, no matter where they grew up......it just ...we can't go thorough the time of letting them to hold my hand ........I really hate myself for this!
There was one guy, I did like, and he did finally hold my hand......yet, for some reasons, we can't go further, and I also put a stop sign once I know what would happen in the future!

What is happening with me? Why Mr. D still live in my heart?

Why all these happened?!?!?

2011-03-18T18:55:00.012+08:00

Someone you used to be very close to ......totally disappear from your life......

You tried to contact him, but you also knew if he didn't want to contact with you, there is no way you can contact him......

You have try a lot of method to forget about him....yet, he is still there in your memory......

It's going to be two year soon, and I admit it, I am still in pain......I still angry at myself for sending out an e-mail asking him to stay away from me......

I thought I don't care anymore

2011-03-15T16:01:00.000+08:00

But......I am wrong......

I still care......

another fight with my boss

2011-03-09T23:06:00.029+08:00

Gosh......what's happened between me and my boss......I have decided to quit....how can both of us be so emotional to each other?

what's the point to make me to talk in person?

What's the point to say besides working for her...there is nothing I can do?

Am I really that bad?

I am so lost!

Do I really want to leave this company? No! But do I love my job? No! I am very sick of asking people to place advertisement with us, no project at all !!!!!!! I can't see the future with the new department head as well! I am missing the time when I first come to this company, we all speak up in the meeting! We all do things for the company!

I am very sick of I am the only one to discuss things with my boss during meeting! I am very sick of my "seniors" didn't have any real input during the meeting! It's Boring!!!!!!!!! Meeting becomes meaningless!

I have finally made up my mind

2011-03-07T12:56:00.000+08:00

Resign......

Don't worry, I cry not because of Mr.D

2011-03-07T02:32:00.000+08:00

MY FRIEND, I am glad you sent me a message once you woke up, I cried not because I missed Mr.D, I cry, because I missed to share a bed with someone I love, and I was angry of myself, angry of myself to make the wrong decision. yet, I am looking forward! Mr. D can't be the one, after he kept pushing me to my limited.

Guess what, I got a cut on my back , and I didn't know that till have a shower this morning , I will never trust you can take care of me anymore : P

I was in another Man's bed, but I can't stop crying......

2011-03-06T10:00:00.167+08:00

I have create another crisis for my friends last weekend......

Some of my friends already knew that beside Mr. S, no guy can actually go on the third date with me after I knew their intentions, and the reason for Mr. S to survive was. he shares similar background with Mr. D. and...in somehow, we are the same kind of person, to forgive the love of our life no matter what they have done. So, in somehow, I am glad for what's happened between me and Mr. S. Things could happen, but we have stopped that! I even deleted him from my facebook, mobile an MSN! yes, I can be very mean if I know I have to......

o......back to the story I want to tell, it only happened last night......

A friend of mine introduced a guy to me, and I have started my first date with him, the first date was fine, but I truly believe MY FRIEND already told him all my stories after I broken up with Mr. D, which is why this guy make it as a Mahjong gathering in his house, a casual gathering between "'friends"(I only knew he planned for the fake gather today).

I already got three drinks before I arrived his house, (yeah, I can't drink much after I designed to limited my alcohol intake to be maximum 4 standard drinks even for weekend, and 3 for weekdays if that's for client relation situation during weekday)

If that's not because of MY FRIEND, I would never go to his house!

I haven't slept in a double bed since I left Australia. I admitted that......even I was in my single bed,I
would try to roll and seek for......which is why I put all the books besides my beds, and make it feels like, I am not sleeping alone! I did the same thing whenever I have a fight with Mr. D, but the difference was, I put all my books back to the bookshelf or on the ground when I woke up, as he stated that he wants a tidy bedroom when we moved into his house, a place just for two of us, and I never know when would he come into the room after he was very angry with me! So...in order not to make him more angry, I would try not to make a mess...as he knew my schedule, and if he wants to avoid me, he could always able to.......and that's what he did......

o...back to my recent story......

After I arrived home, and MY FRIEND said he really want to play Mahjong, and they needs one more person for the Mahjong for a few hours, MY FRIEND even said he must pay for what I have lost in the game....and he also offer to drive me there and he must send me home by himself......I trust him as always, and he was willing to pay for what I would lose in a Mahjong game, I was like ' Why not'

However, when I arrive that party house, I realize , that's a lie, they have enough people to play the mahjong game, and MY FRIEND was happily playing Kinect of X box with his target, and ...the house owner was waiting for me......

after 2 more drinks, I felt so drunk, and wanna go home, yet, MY FRIEND was happily playing KINECT with his target, so he make me to take the nap in that house, and the house owner was so nice, he offered me his own bed, and promised he would not share the same room with me. and my friend said he must block the house owner for getting in to the room!

After the promise of MY FRIEND and the house owner, I did go into him room, and I could tell, even he has a double bed, he is single for a while, any woman can tell when you step into his room and his own bathroom.

anyways....after I fall into slept, I can't felt Winnie the pooh which Mr. D gave me, or books around me, or Mr. D, of course......I recall the the feeling when I was in Mr. D's house when he was not around in my dream, ......I went into tears ......which I even don't know why...he , the house owner knocked the door for a while to wake me up......

I was burst into tears when the house owner 's knocking the door to wake me up and I let myself to cry in his arms .....and he offer to drive me home, while MY FRIEND was still playing KINCET.

Gosh......I felt so embarrassed now...... I am a grow up woman...and still burst into tears because of my dream......and because of someone who I will never see in my life, what is going on withe me?

and of course, good luck to MY FRIEND, I am so going to kill him when the next time I see HIM!!!!!!

Gosh......what if I can't find another Mr. D, who does know me......

2011-03-03T07:38:00.003+08:00

Gosh....when I was watching modern family season 2 ep. 16, I miss Mr. D badly......

I know I know, he has totally forgot about me , and it's a good thing for him, I was a disaster!

It just......I never know myself, I never know what I am good at......and he seems to be the only guy who knows me more than myself......

After listening to a lot of stories from my friends, most of my female friends keep complain that their partners/boyfriends never able to get them any gift which they truly like...but ...Mr. D always get it right for me, it's amazing! He always know what I want, and I don't have to say a word......

Of course, on the other hand......I am not sure what he wants, and ...... in somehow......I was scared......I never have any confidence, and when compare with my exes, Mr. D is really not as good as them from his family backgrounds, education and other factors, but he was the only one who knows me, and I was scared when I was with him, because he is the only man who can tell what I want all the time, he knows me more than myself, yet the only weakness was......he was not mature enough to lead me ......I never understand him....as ...it seems he knew me, but why he has to do things which he knew I would be soooooooo sad? After all these years, I have to accept the fact that, "he is not that into me"......

I have to remind myself...when guys who truly into me...even they are not able to know me deeply.......they would never try to do things in order to challenge my limit! My limited is easy to tell! no one beside Mr. D would push me to the corner.

Why am I always meet the guys in the wrong timing? I met a man who wanted to marry me, and a man who I wanted to marry with......but as always, always met them in the wrong timing!

I know...it's my problem! I always want someone who knows me, yet....for someone who knows me, he has to have the ability to calm me down as well....as ......I am lack of confidence...... I never truly believe in myself and "marriage"...even that's what I want......

p.s. don't worry all my friends, (I don't think any of you will look into my crappy notes here! My click rate should be zero everyday~anyways) I am over Mr. D...it just .......I miss to be with someone who knows me deeply......

I will never allow any asshole to hurt my famiy member

2011-02-28T07:40:00.000+08:00

If anyone who try to hurt my family member, I will fight against them till my last breathe!

Granny......

2011-02-26T23:59:00.073+08:00

Tonight, I saw my granny's face for the very last time......she looks so difference, totally difference from the granny who used to talk silly with me ......

Even though I am not young, and three of my grandparent has passed away ......granny was the very first person who I was around since she was not feeling well......

And......this is the very first funeral I was actually involved into ...... the whole process was shocking, I nearly burst into tears for quite a few times......but I have held my tears...as ....granny finally release from the pain......she was so sad at the end of her life, as ...being an independence person like her, she hates to lose her ability of taking care herself....As granny has a very strong mind, family told me that she always try to walk, even her body is not really able to during her last stage... she would walk whenever she able to ......

I still remember when I was a kid......I was a bit scared of her...unlike other grandparent, she won't talk to us! Whenever she knew we would be going to her house, she would buy some soft drinks and put them in her fridge. Once we said hello to her, she would told us to get soft drinks from her fridge, then, she would go out, either to work, or to hang out with her friends. Also, she acts like a man sometimes......totally difference from my grandma (the one from my father side). Even she was at home, she would sit quietly in her usual spot and smoking her Marlboro (the original one, the red one) , watching us playing silly games.

Granny always in a hurry, there was one time, we try to set up a barbecue fire on the roof as usual, and took us a while with no success, without saying a word, she brought one big tank of Kerosene and newspapers, claimed she would set the barbecue fire for us within a second...we were all shocked! It was lucky my mum was there and stopped her crazy action. I still wonder...... what would happen if we really let her to set the barbecue fire with Kerosene and newspaper, would she burn down her own house?

Gosh......I miss her so much...... She is my forever hero!

The reason I haven't quit my job......

2011-02-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

I am still waiting...waiting for someone's come back! There are so much I can learn from her, yet, I didn't have much time to be with her before......please give me a second chance ......

Please god, please let her come back, let me work with her for one year, one year will be enough!

Yet......I have set a deadline for myself......if she is not coming back...I am going to hand in a goodbye letter on April fool's Day~

Gosh...April fool's Day again......

My very first time to have the feeling of "this is not the job I want to do"

2011-02-23T20:44:00.002+08:00

I love Art....but ...the job I am working now......it's not really want I want....the title is Sales and Marketing...but it's all about money money money......

if we need money , we need some marketing for the company as well! How can anything achieve without marketing strategic?

Gosh! What am I doing here?

If I can keep learning how to cook at least one dish a week

2011-02-19T23:09:00.027+08:00

After granny passed away, and after all the crisis we faced on that day, mum changed a bit. Now , she let me to go into the kitchen even she was cooking. I am very happy about this change.

Before that, mum kept saying she hates the way I cook, and that's her kitchen, so I always get yell when I try to cook something. Yet, tonight, she told me she has some King Prawns, and ask me to cook them. I was surprised! Yet, a chance to practice my cooking skills, I am not going to lose it!

So...that's what I made, Garlic and Cheese King Prawns , the dish I learn when I was working in a restaurant in Australia, and that's one of the dishes I love a lot , with the sause, I can eat one whole bowl of rice : )

After tonight, if I have more change to practice, maybe....after 2011, I should be able to cook a meal for family! One entree , three mains with soups (We Hong Kong people love soup) plus desert! One part of "the Journey to be a better person" should be able to achieve.

I hate myself in the past, the one who screwed up everything in her life!!!!!!

After Granny gone......I keep having weird dreams......

2011-02-19T12:17:00.000+08:00

It's weird, because I keep dreaming of Mr. D......for two nights, and the weird part is......we were so distant in the dream, even he offered to give me a hug, I run away......or I would sit down in a cafe with someone and ask about him...or we met each other on the street, and act like we don't know each other at all.

When I woke up in these two days, I would feel so tried, and felt like I never sleep.

Why can't I see Granny in my dream? I miss her already.

When we were having a light lunch on the day granny passed away, an uncle pointed to me said Granny wanna to see me getting marry, and what have happened to us? (he didn't point at me only, also to others), my tears can't stop! I know he was trying to make things funny, but ......this line does hurt me! Because my and granny did have a silly chat about this, and I even promise her not to worry......

I wanna to tell her I thought she would live longer, for at least 2-3 years longer, then maybe if we are all lucky and I behave, she would be able to see someone getting marry.

2011.02.17. 12:12

2011-02-17T21:11:00.003+08:00

officially left us......

I will remember what you said for the rest of my life......seriously!

Watching someone I respect geting close to death......

2011-02-17T09:28:00.001+08:00

The feeling of watching someone I respect a lot getting closer to death......is really bad......

I still remember the very last time when we have a little silly chat, she stated that she will not able to watch anyone of us getting marry , and I was like "no way". and of course, she gave me her usual facial expression, a look of " I am going to be right, we'll see".

Gosh......she is a genius! Full of wisdom for daily life.

"why do you wanna get marry?"

2011-02-13T12:53:00.018+08:00

I was surprised when I actually met with a primary schoolmate who is married with two kids. I didn't think carefully, and my line just came out "OMG! how come you get marry when you are so young (for a male)!and his answer was "then, what's the reason for you wanna to marry with someone", I didn't say anything, but deep in my heart, I have my answer! Like most of the people, the only reason why I want to marry with someone is, I want to spend the rest of my life with him!

I am not a gal who play around, but I got to admit, as a woman in certain age, I dated some people, had relationships with a few guys! But I never meet a guy like Mr. D before, who knows me more than myself and someone who make me to think......

I always looking for someone who truly knows me, to be honest , I don't even know myself after all these years! which is why I tends to date guys who are older than me!

Wow, why am I talking about him again? Gosh!

Anyways, it's fun to spend a night with a group of primary schoolmates : ) and I am happy that I am sort of re-connect to the world again! Hanging out with people is much better than staying at home with my Macbook all the time~

about gossip

2011-02-11T00:50:00.010+08:00

Gossiping among friends is fun!

But gossiping among work circle is scary~

Gosh, I don't mind listening to the gossips, but I am not going to say a word ~

"Clicked" ......I did the right thing for us on April Fools' 2009

2011-02-08T01:29:00.013+08:00

In 2011, people keep remains me how old am I , and I should at least find someone for dating, even I sort of making myself to be single in 2011. People who cares about me keep reminding me, I am getting old for a female! No time to waste......

When I saw my cousin's photo, some lovely family photos, with the new born baby. I suddenly realize, I did the right thing on April Fools' day, 2009...

I do know I should never ever think about starting a family until I can find someone who can make me to "obey". I got to be honest,when I was with Mr. D.....that's the very first time I do think (sometimes) "o...maybe I should not do this""maybe this is not correct" when I want to do something crazy and / or silly.

Friends and Exes always accept "that's Clipse" when I do crazy things. But Mr. D would get angry, and the funny part was, I did care if he was angry, and I would finally think maybe he has his points! That's the very first time in my life to care if someone angry at my behavior!

When I saw my cousin's gorgeous baby from facebook, suddenly I knew I did the right thing with Mr. D! After all the nightmares I created, he changed every times, but I am the one who never change!!! If I didn't call a stop for this, it's may turn into endless cycle! This is the second time I asked to break up with him, I still remember his line when the first time I said I want to break up, and after his line, I totally forget the feeling of break up within 5 seconds!

Anyways, even I made the biggest joke to my life by asking him to stay away from me, it was also the very first time I did the right thing for my life as well. Without asking him to stay away, I will never ever think about my problems! And I finally release I am the problem for this relationship, and even for my life.

I still miss him a lot, yet, He is history now!

He is like a bother I never have

2011-02-06T16:52:00.000+08:00

Have a really nice chat with a very old friend again~ the one who is like a bother I never have.

He reminds me, it's going to be 2 years soon, why am I doing this to myself...and after another long chat, I promised him, I will seriously let go, seriously!

My dearest bother, I hope I can come to the states and have dinner with you soon~

My goal in 2011

2011-02-05T21:49:00.000+08:00

To learn how to play Mahjong seriously!

I wanna be at least okay and people won't think that I am someone who pay for the whole game : )

To read the news or not to read the news

2011-02-05T02:54:00.000+08:00

Technically, the first task of my daily job duties is -- to read 3 newspapers and weekly magazines. As we have to keep up with the tends of the Art scene, smells what we can do with any new tends, or even create somethings!

I used to read the newspaper everyday, even in Australia, sometimes, I would grab the actual paper rather than read that from the net, there are more details from the actual prints. Yet, When I come back to Hong Kong, I sort of......ignoring the news.

The section suppose to be about the society, becomes dramatic days after days, sometimes, I am confused , keep asking myself am I actually read news, or am I actually reading a fiction? Even for politicians, their behavior becomes like those plots from soap opera. Even for people who try to raise some rebels against the HKG government, the media would make it into a drama~ making that's the problem of Gen Y , especially those from 1980s'!

I tends to ignore all the news now, yet, I have to follow the news of West Kowloon, it's related to Art......People (the Art related people) always claim we don't have the hardware (like Venues) to support! I always wonder, even if we have the best Venue, are our programs good enough ?O well, not going to talk about anything related politic issues!

I just wonder ....if I should keep ignoring news or what? In somehow, I am not sure where am I living now, I read news around the world, I don't watch Hong Kong's TV program, not going to those very popular concerts/activities which most of my friends go...etc....gosh......is it a good thing? or is it going to destroy me soon?

A song I finally hear the lyrics today....

2011-02-03T00:46:00.002+08:00

"Let it go, let it flow. He's a huge inspiration to me.
Let it go, let it flow. You have to heal yourself, My dear!"

I was cleaning my desk at work, and I suddenly, for the first time, I truly listen to this song's lyrics. Why can't I hear this lyrics ages ago? It's an old song!

I was thinking how come I am standing still today. To be honest, I am surprise by my behavior as well. What is going on with me?

Anyways, I am good now! I still love him in somehow, but finally understand that's the past(hopefully this will e the very last time I say this)! He already admitted he got a target within 6 months to others! I can't stand still like this anymore : ) In somehow, I should say thank you to his cousin, he is the one who confirm this news!(of course, I got someone to do the double confirmation as well) if his cousin never mention that crazy line, I do want to be friend with him! He is fun, cool and smart! Or.. I might even fall into his trap......he is a charming guy after all. Yet, when I think about it, I should have sense his intention, what kind of male willing to listing to some gals' crap story when they already know the answer? Never learn my lesson from the past.....

Three wise monkeys

2011-02-01T00:08:00.004+08:00

"see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil"

I should never explore my weakness to the world, but......I know I am lazy! I know I am not going to forget about my past and learn from my past if I don't let my problem explore to the world! I am very good at covering my weakness and act as I am close to normal in font of people.

There are so many times I want to act like the time I just came back from Australia, went out with friends every weekend, or even during the weekdays, always believe Mr. D would come back inside my heart, never face the fact that...he is already gone. Even his cuz told me he already interested in someone else during our very last conversation! (There was reason I hate his cuz, I did trust him!!! His cuz did broken my heart in somehow! I always believe in him, which was why I told him my true feeling and the story from my part! But I felt like a fool now, and of course, a lesson learn from that , I should never trust any male until I spent a lot of time with him)

I only start this blog for a month, and I have the ideas to close this for more than 20 times! I don't want to face the fact! I don't want to let go of the past in somehow.I just want to stand still...I don't want to face the fact that he is not going to seek for me this time! I don't want to admit I still unable to face the fact!

Maybe....this blog is a good thing! A thing that maybe ...in case any of my friends saw this, they will yell at me. I read an article about "To write about feeling is better than to talk about it"for few months ago, I do feel this! All the endless chats with friends and family didn't really calm myself down, but whenever I wrote a blog, I know I need to think twice before I type in any word! As..there are chances for anyone to read this! This made me to think, and to calm down in somehow!

and......my real reason to write in English is ...... only people who care about me a lot will read thought my bad English! (no matter if English is their first language or not)

I won't keep this blog for long! only one year! In 2012, I will face the fact that Mr. D is totally gone!!!!!! As the same time, I will be a better woman~I have to push myself to improve!!!!!!

Then, I will hide my weaknesses! There will be no need to explore my feeling to the world!

"see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil"will be Clipse in 2012 : )

"what if someone really lovs you appear in 2011"

2011-01-30T17:18:00.002+08:00

If there is something I really want to do, no matter how hard is it, I can always achieve my goal, this is one of my characters, a character which I love and hate!

Have a really nice chat with a long time friend last night! Everyone knows that I am going to keep myself single in 2011. Yet, he asked me "what if someone really loves you appear in 2011, and that's someone you have feeling as well"....I went silence. I didn't know how to answer after he added " what if he is the one, and if you refuse the fate, there will be no one else!"

of course I know why was he saying this. He is like a big brother to me, and he always say if he didn't leave Australia before I met Mr.D., he would always stop this disaster to happen, for disaster, I think he means he will try his best to stop me being with Mr. D ! And of course, he teased me about my past as well, always disappear and totally cut off the connection when I felt I don't like that guy anymore during the dating period, and he was the one who clean up the mess for me! Of course, he must yell at me every time I make this kind of mess.

In my defense, Sydney is small, he and his GF (wife now~) know almost everyone in town. Even I went to Sydney without telling them, people would tell them I was there! So Scary! Some of their friends actually think I am his sister, and he didn't really explain to them, we are not blood-related at all, so...from this point, I always say, it's not really my fault he needs to clean up my messes in somehow.

For me, having dinner, holding hands for a really short time, like holding hands when I was drunk, when I was in my heels while we were on a long walk, and kissing goodbye...they don't mean a RELATIONSHIP for me! so, if I don't feel alright in this stage, I always put a clear STOP sign to the guy, isn't it better? Stop it before anything happen.

I take relationship seriously. I never let myself do anything further unless I really love that man, what's wrong with that? If I have to go further, that will be relationship to me. I seriously don't understand why I become a bitch when I put a clear stop sign to guys I am not interested during the dating period.

Anyways, I know what he wants to tell me, he is asking me to open my heart...I will try...but... I finally understand I am the problem of everything happen to my life, and I got issues, really need to face these issues and deal with them before I deserve LOVE again....

Finally understand......

2011-01-30T03:14:00.001+08:00

Finally understand only gals, who can hang out with family and friends of their men, have happy relationships!

It's nice to have a friend who goes to bookshop and concert with me

2011-01-29T07:55:00.001+08:00

I don't have a lot of friends, especially when I hate all those group activities! I should change my behavior in 2011! another aims in the plan of "learning how to be a better person! "

It's really lucky to know someone who can go to the bookshop with me, share the books he actually read before, and tell me what's good to read! Or even go to a performance and able to tell me what's going on with the Orchestra. Finally someone around me can do this! In 2011, really need to open up my heart and meet more and more interesting people : )

I do love Art, I do!

2011-01-25T20:01:00.000+08:00

I do love Art, I do , I love it a lot, yet, I know nothing about Art after working one year in an Art related company!

When compare with magazines around the world, my company's publications are really......(I don't wanna say the word)

5 books about Art Criticism and Contemporary Art are waiting for me to finish as soon as possible! Should be in CNY holiday.

maybe ...... my EQ is better now!!!!!!

2011-01-24T20:45:00.006+08:00

I get in trouble at work all the time, but this time was totally weird! I got yelled for 10 mins because of editorial issues......which I have no idea what was going on! But I simply stand there, and let me boss took her anger out on me!

I didn't argue with her, I didn't say a word, deep in my heart, I can tell she needs to release her anger! I didn't angry at anyone as well, only felt a bit funny! And I tell myself, that's WORK!

When I finished work, on the way home, I was surprised by my reaction. In the past, I must yell back at her and walk away from her, as , this is none of my business! I am not even in the editorial department, why would I get yell because of editorial issues?

In the past, I believe in stand up for myself no matter what, and now, I finally give up, I am not sure if I am getting useless or not, but there is no point to argue with someone who you work with, what's the point to argue? you already know sometime people just want to release their angers, they didn't really mean it. Yelling back only get things become worse!

maybe, my EQ is finally getting some improvements!

not sure if dreams are good or bad things for me

2011-01-19T09:02:00.001+08:00

the harder I try to forget, he appears in my dream more often......

TO keep myself calm

2011-01-16T08:32:00.001+08:00

I found out, when I read books about Fine Art and Philosophy, my mind become calm during the reading period! Maybe I should read more these books in order to keep calm.

2011 - focus on career

2011-01-15T09:01:00.007+08:00

As a friend said, I do love LOVE. LOVE is the most important thing in my life since I first met LOVE.

However......in 2011, I really should focus on my career for one year, to catch up the time and chances I have missed......

There were so many chances come to me, but I tended to screw up chances....really should not do this anymore!

LOVE is something I can never control....why can't I focus on something I can control?

It's time!

2011-01-12T08:53:00.003+08:00

I was trapped in my own memory......

didn't want to let go ......

Yet......it's time to left my imagination behind !

I was so angry at Mr. D.S. when I made the biggest joke for my life

2011-01-11T01:20:00.042+08:00

I never know I would see Mr. D after how I reacted on 2008's Christmas eve...the crazy Clipse, the unacceptable Clipse!

And I went crazy again on 2009 April's fool, I was drunk, the truth (or my excuse)behind my reaction for that night was, a guy asked me to be his girlfriend! My feeling was like, what?!? I treated you as a friend, how dare are you? everyone knows that I love Mr. D , why are you asking me that? And that's not even a month after I came back from Australia, and I only know that guy for 2 weeks......but , that's not the first time I face this question, never understand what guys think, and I believe I can never understand! As I will never like a guy if he got someone he loves~ what's the point?

Friends did tell me that guys think I can be a challenge, but am I ? really? Jesus!Till tonight, I can say I still miss him, I still need to hold the pooh he gave me to make myself to go to sleep......

back to April's fool 2009......I was so angry that I was not beside Mr. D at that moment. with no double, I was so angry for the whole on-and-off relationship with Mr.D, he always let me felt like he would only treat me good when his friends and family are not able to be with him, of course, I was native at that time, so native! I was spoiled by my ex Bfs before I met Mr. D.......

after all the alcohol and the shock from a "friend", I sent him two shocking e-mails which I still regret today.

"Grab a ticket and tell him that you are sorry"

2011-01-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

A friend who I didn't see for a while said, if she were me, she would book a ticket to go to Australia and find out what is actually happening with Mr. D.S.....

I did, I did booked the ticket, I did arranged a trip to Australia for last November, I booked the tickets months in advance when that's on sale in AirAsia.com. months ago, I paid off the ticket, but , end up,I didn't go! To be honest , it's half because of my work, it's the "ICE AGE" for Art magazine from Nov to Feb, I can't simply get away from my work without showing any "hard working" to save us from the "Ice Age" , it's hard for anyone to be involve in sale &marketing of Art in HKG during the "Ice Age", and if I run away from the "ice age" with my below standard performance at work, I am so going to get fired!

I did tried to send him e-mails about how sorry I am , and I never get any responses! And that's should be the answer from him. Besides, people already start telling there is a woman last Christmas, after all the consideration, I don't have the guts to go to Australia even I have paid for the ticket! On boxing day 2010, I knew I was correct not to go to Newy in November 2010. I don't think I could handle the fact, while I was alone in Newy.

Christmas used to be the best festival in my life, I used to love Christmas a lot, but I have to say, I am not going to treat Christmas special anymore! I hate Christmas! Christmas always bring me bad memory since I met Mr.D.S.

I was a mess when I was with Mr. D.S.(which surprised me even now)

2011-01-06T01:36:00.017+08:00

the Clipse who be with Mr. D.S. was so not the real Clipse, lost all the confidence , and totally lost herself.

A "Clipse" that never appear in the world, a disaster to herself and people around her , which is no good!

That "Clipse" only focus on Mr. D.S., she will take it slow for studies in order to stay with him longer, and refused to work when she knew Mr. D.S. can go for a dinner or hang out with her on that night. Only able to see her friends if he is busy. And with no double, without her own feeling, she always turn into a mess when he disappeared.

She stills believed they love each other a lot, otherwise, how on earth can they on and off for such a long time. She can never forget receiving his e-mail before she get off the plane to Hong Kong in 2009, and she will never forgive what she wrote in her e-mail on April fool's 2009, the biggest joke she made for herself. Yet, Clipse finally making herself to believe, they do not mean to be together at all......if they are mean to be together, why they had to go through so many bad experiences and she is the one who never get any improvement?He totally changed when they get back together, but that "Clipse" turns worse every times.

It's time for Clipse to remember , that "monster Clipse" has to disappear forever!

She is a nice person , but she is pain in the ass for me

2011-01-05T21:25:00.049+08:00

Read an article about "people we hate" , the article said this person we hate, maybe was sent by god to test us,and the first people I come up with, it's her, the pain in the ass, who played an important character in the plot of me and Mr. D.

I knew the day when Mr. D first met her, and that's my nightmare began~ Newy is such a small place, and I was working with her dad in the same restaurant. After a while, her dad started to say all the humiliating things in font of me and of course , behind me, he even said that I was a slut and I must know all the tricks in bed to let Mr. D being tempted in my face.

I didn't really know what was happening before, so, what I thought was maybe because he is uneducated, and he always say things with no sense, normally after after he humiliates me, I smile and walk away. After a while, I can't stand it anymore, felt offended, I totally ignored him, don't even talk to him at all. Yet, he didn't stop saying things to humiliating me. One day when my boss took me home, she finally asked me what was happening ! I finally found out all this was because the father of my pain in the ass thought I stolen Mr. D from her. That's unacceptable for me, as I know I already be with Mr. D before the first day they met, with all the things he said, I never felt so humiliated in my life before! If I have destroyed someone's relationship, I do deserve to face this humiliation, yet, I never do this!!!!!!

However, I didn't handle my part well! I should have talk to Mr. D about my feeling in calm, rather than kept all feeling inside myself, and burst out my anger when I can't keep it anymore. It's not healthy, and it's so immature to handle this problem. How can Mr. D told that girl to stop her dad? it's hard for him to do so. He did tried to bring me to dinner with the group, I should stay calm and try to be friend with her, and tell her my feeling with careful wording, rather than drank off a whole bottle of wine myself and start a fight with Mr. D after the dinner. I was so stupid. Maybe that's a chance god arranged to test how was I going to handle her, yet, I picked the very wrong way to express my feeling.

o..and with my "control freak " character, I saw SMS among them (yes, bad Clipse), one of the SMS was she ask him to break up with me, I was like, what the fxxx again! And there were time that she did thigns so out of the limited even I was there, things that a woman should never do when someone's girlfriend is right there.Don't say because I am Asian, I thought that they are more Asian than I in somehow.

I knew I can't blame her for all this happen, Mr. D may send out mix message to her dad and even her, and if I can handle this in calm with a mature way, most of the painful memory may gone.

On boxing day 2010,(yea, years later)...... I saw her picture from my facebook home, from woman's six sense, I can tell who that woman is from her group photos, and as to confirm I was right, I click into her album, and yes, I was right, she is the name I knew around last Christmas time, and I burst into tears, finally facing the fact ...

To be honest, after seeing her a few time (I don't even talk to her ), deep in my heart, I know she is simply native and she is a nice person, yet, she is the pain in the ass for me! I have to get rid of her from my life, I can't let her to annoys my emotion evens in facebook! So I finally deleted her from my facebook, and I felt great after that : ) ...btw, I never understand why she wanna add me in her facebook,I never really talk to her, but for my side...I thought ...maybe I can try to be friend with her by facebook when I accept her request.

"cruel to be kind"

2011-01-04T23:43:00.002+08:00

Didn't have any blog entry for long time (I mean in 2010), as I was a mess before. I have made the biggest joke to myself on April fool's day in 2009, and keep doing things to destroy myself in somehow.

In Dec 2010, talked to friends and family(like all the endless talks before), finally understood I have to be strong, face the fact that he is not coming back to me like he used to. On the last day of 2010, one of my very best friend told me he is "cruel to be kind" (my tears went out straight away when she said that) and I "did have my time with him". I finally understood I have to learn how to take responsibility for what I have done! I could have longer time with him, at least a few more months after I came back home, but I am the one who destroy everything, I am the one who push him to the point which no one wants to stay with me anymore.

Whenever I look back, he has went through a lot with me, and he is the one who always improved after fights, but ...I am the one who never change! All the drinking, making a fuss out of nothing, never concerns, all the swear words, anything you can name it for a bad girlfriend, I have done it...

Finally want to improve my English after he told me my English is really bad for years. In order to practice my English,all the entries will be writing in English,

I don't want to use the Frankie J's version, as this Korean singer looks much better.

Goodbye Mr. D.S. --I don't want to , but I have to

2010-12-31T01:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, I know it's a forever goodbye! I was planning to send him e-mail again, but...for what? If he can read this blog, that's destiny makes him to read. If we mean to be together, he will able to read this blog......I have done so many wrong things, can I really ask him to forgive my behaviors? If I am in his situation, I don't have the guts to try getting back with this messy gal anymore.

On April's fool Day,2009,I was drunk, I was lost and I was missing Mr. D.S. badly, and I made the biggest jokes in my life, an e-mail which I try to define our "relationship", after years ,people keep telling me that I have done a good job, yet,I don't want to believe this, but I have to make myself to do so, it's time to let go. Maybe for good job, they don't mean for me, its a good job for him.

Before 2011, I always think there is one day , one day Mr. D.S. will appear in my life again, like what we used to be, the routine would be, I went crazy , then he disappeared, I was depressed, and try to get over, then , he would be back! And I thought, this is my second time to claim breaking up with him (first time only last for 5 second, I gave up in ease in font of him), he would punish me for, maybe a year, by that time, I will be good and not so emotion anymore, which is why I wasn't that emotional before.

A fortune teller told me if I do something, we can be together again, yet......seems like, his life without me would be much more happier.....at least, no need to scare of a crazy woman complaint for hours.

Sometimes he complaint that I didn't need him ...the truth is......I do need him a lot, yet, I knew his family, his career and his friends also need him, I got to be strong, no matter how much I need him. However, I really couldn't stand it sometimes, and I would went so crazy. I remain the same every-time we got back together, on the other hand, I knew he changed every times when he came back to be with me.

We didn't really have a very long time together, at least, we never able to spend any festival together, either he needed to go home helping his family, or I need to work in the restaurant, yet, I truly believed this would last forever ......before I sent him that e-mail.....