"what if someone really lovs you appear in 2011"

If there is something I really want to do, no matter how hard is it, I can always achieve my goal, this is one of my characters, a character which I love and hate!

Have a really nice chat with a long time friend last night! Everyone knows that I am going to keep myself single in 2011. Yet, he asked me "what if someone really loves you appear in 2011, and that's someone you have feeling as well"....I went silence. I didn't know how to answer after he added " what if he is the one, and if you refuse the fate, there will be no one else!"

of course I know why was he saying this. He is like a big brother to me, and he always say if he didn't leave Australia before I met Mr.D., he would always stop this disaster to happen, for disaster, I think he means he will try his best to stop me being with Mr. D ! And of course, he teased me about my past as well, always disappear and totally cut off the connection when I felt I don't like that guy anymore during the dating period, and he was the one who clean up the mess for me! Of course, he must yell at me every time I make this kind of mess.

In my defense, Sydney is small, he and his GF (wife now~) know almost everyone in town. Even I went to Sydney without telling them, people would tell them I was there! So Scary! Some of their friends actually think I am his sister, and he didn't really explain to them, we are not blood-related at all, so...from this point, I always say, it's not really my fault he needs to clean up my messes in somehow.

For me, having dinner, holding hands for a really short time, like holding hands when I was drunk, when I was in my heels while we were on a long walk, and kissing goodbye...they don't mean a RELATIONSHIP for me! so, if I don't feel alright in this stage, I always put a clear STOP sign to the guy, isn't it better? Stop it before anything happen.

I take relationship seriously. I never let myself do anything further unless I really love that man, what's wrong with that?  If I have to go further, that will be relationship to me. I seriously don't understand why I become a bitch when I put a clear stop sign to guys I am not interested during the dating period.

Anyways, I know what he wants to tell me, he is asking me to open my heart...I will try...but... I finally understand I am the problem of everything happen to my life, and I got issues, really need to face these issues and deal with them before I deserve LOVE again....

Finally understand......

Finally understand only gals, who can hang out with family and friends of their men, have happy relationships!

It's nice to have a friend who goes to bookshop and concert with me

I don't have a lot of friends,  especially when I hate all those group activities! I should change my behavior in 2011! another aims in the plan of  "learning how to be a better person! "

It's really lucky to know someone who can go to the bookshop with me, share the books he actually read before, and tell me what's good to read! Or even go to a performance and able to tell me what's going on with the Orchestra. Finally someone around me can do this! In 2011, really need to open up my heart and meet more and more interesting people : )

I do love Art, I do!

I do love Art, I do , I love it a lot, yet, I know nothing about Art after working one year in an Art related company!

When compare with magazines around the world, my company's publications are really......(I don't wanna say the word)

5 books about Art Criticism and Contemporary Art are waiting for me to finish as soon as possible! Should be in CNY holiday.

maybe ...... my EQ is better now!!!!!!

I get in trouble at work all the time, but this time was totally weird! I got yelled for 10 mins because of editorial issues......which I have no idea what was going on! But I simply stand there, and let me boss took her anger out on me!

I didn't argue with her, I didn't say a word, deep in my heart, I can tell she needs to release her anger! I didn't angry at anyone as well, only felt a bit funny! And I tell myself, that's WORK!

When I finished work, on the way home, I was surprised by my reaction. In the past,  I must yell back at her and walk away from her, as , this is none of my business! I am not even in the editorial department, why would I get yell because of editorial issues?

In the past, I believe in stand up for myself no matter what, and now, I finally give up, I am not sure if I am getting useless or not, but there is no point to argue with someone who you work with, what's the point to argue? you already know sometime people just want to release their angers, they didn't really mean it. Yelling back only get things become worse!

maybe, my EQ is finally getting some improvements!

not sure if dreams are good or bad things for me

the harder I try to forget, he appears in my dream more often......

TO keep myself calm

I found out, when I read books about Fine Art and Philosophy, my mind become calm during the reading period! Maybe I should read more these books in order to keep calm.

2011 - focus on career

As a friend said, I do love LOVE. LOVE is the most important thing in my life since I first met LOVE.


However......in 2011, I really should focus on my career for one year, to catch up the time and chances I have missed......

There were so many chances come to me, but I tended to screw up chances....really should not do this anymore!

LOVE is something I can never control....why can't I focus on something I can control?

It's time!

I was trapped in my own memory......

didn't want to let go ......

Yet......it's time to left my imagination behind !

I was so angry at Mr. D.S. when I made the biggest joke for my life

I never know I would see Mr. D after how I reacted on 2008's Christmas eve...the crazy Clipse, the unacceptable Clipse!

And I went crazy again on 2009 April's fool, I was drunk, the truth (or my excuse)behind my reaction for that night was, a guy asked me to be his girlfriend! My feeling was like, what?!? I treated you as a friend, how dare are you? everyone knows that I love Mr. D , why are you asking me that? And that's not even a month after I came back from Australia, and I only know that guy for 2 weeks......but , that's not the first time I face this question, never understand what guys think, and I believe I can never understand! As I will never like a guy if he got someone he loves~ what's the point?

Friends did tell me that guys think I can be a challenge, but am I ? really? Jesus!Till tonight, I can say I still miss him, I still need to hold the pooh he gave me to make myself to go to sleep......

back to April's fool 2009......I was so angry that I was not beside Mr. D at that moment. with no double, I was so angry for the whole on-and-off relationship with Mr.D, he always let me felt like he would only treat me good when his friends and family are not able to be with him, of course, I was native at that time, so native! I was spoiled by my ex Bfs before I met Mr. D.......

after all the alcohol and the shock from a "friend",   I sent him two shocking e-mails which I still regret today.

"Grab a ticket and tell him that you are sorry"

A friend who I didn't see for a while said, if she were me, she would book a ticket to go to Australia and find out what is actually happening with Mr. D.S.....

I did, I did booked the ticket, I did arranged a trip to Australia for last November, I booked the tickets months in advance when that's on sale in AirAsia.com. months ago, I paid off the ticket, but , end up,I didn't go! To be honest , it's half because of my work, it's the "ICE AGE" for Art magazine from Nov to Feb, I can't simply get away from my work without showing any "hard working" to save us from the "Ice Age" , it's hard for anyone to be involve in  sale &marketing of Art in HKG during the "Ice Age", and if I run away from the "ice age" with my below standard performance at work, I am so going to get fired!

I did tried to send him e-mails about how sorry I am , and I never get any responses! And that's should be the answer from him. Besides, people already start telling there is a woman last Christmas, after all the consideration,  I don't have the guts to go to Australia even I have paid for the ticket! On boxing day 2010, I knew I was correct not to go to Newy in November 2010. I don't think I could handle the fact, while I was alone in Newy.

Christmas used to be the best festival in my life, I used to love Christmas a lot, but I have to say, I  am not going to treat Christmas special anymore! I hate Christmas! Christmas always bring me bad memory since I met Mr.D.S.

I was a mess when I was with Mr. D.S.(which surprised me even now)

the Clipse who be with Mr. D.S. was so not the real Clipse, lost all the confidence , and totally lost herself.

A "Clipse" that never appear in the world, a disaster to herself and people around her , which is no good!

That "Clipse" only focus on Mr. D.S.,  she will take it slow for studies in order to stay with him longer, and refused to work when she knew Mr. D.S. can go for a dinner or hang out with her on that night. Only able to see her friends if he is busy. And with no double, without her own feeling, she always turn into a mess when he disappeared.

She stills believed they love each other a lot, otherwise, how on earth can they on and off for such a long time. She can never forget receiving his e-mail before she get off the plane to Hong Kong in 2009, and she will never forgive what she wrote in her e-mail on April fool's 2009, the biggest joke she made for herself.  Yet, Clipse finally making herself to believe, they do not mean to be together at all......if they are mean to be together, why they had to go through so many bad experiences and she is the one who never get any improvement?He totally changed when they get back together, but that "Clipse" turns worse every times. 

It's time for Clipse to remember , that "monster Clipse" has to disappear forever!

She is a nice person , but she is pain in the ass for me

Read an article about "people we hate" , the article said this person we hate, maybe was sent by god to test us,and the first people I come up with, it's her, the pain in the ass, who played an important character in the plot of me and Mr. D.

I knew the day when Mr. D first met her, and that's my nightmare began~ Newy is such a small place, and I was working with her dad in the same restaurant. After a while, her dad started to say all the humiliating things in font of me and of course , behind me, he even said that I was a slut and I must know all the tricks in bed to let Mr. D being tempted in my face.

I didn't really know what was happening before, so, what I thought was maybe because he is uneducated, and he always say things with no sense, normally after after he humiliates me,  I smile and walk away. After a while, I can't stand it anymore, felt offended, I totally ignored him, don't even talk to him at all. Yet, he didn't stop saying things to humiliating me. One day when my boss took me home, she finally asked me what was happening ! I finally found out all this was because the father of my pain in the ass thought I stolen Mr. D from her. That's unacceptable for me, as I know I already be with Mr. D before the first day they met, with all the things he said, I never felt so humiliated in my life before! If I have destroyed someone's relationship, I do deserve to face this humiliation, yet, I never do this!!!!!!

However, I didn't handle my part well! I should have talk to Mr. D about my feeling in calm, rather than kept all feeling inside myself, and burst out my anger when I can't keep it anymore. It's not healthy, and it's so immature to handle this problem. How can Mr. D told that girl to stop her dad? it's hard for him to do so. He did tried to bring me to dinner with the group, I should stay calm and try to be friend with her, and tell her my feeling with careful wording, rather than drank off a whole bottle of wine myself and start a fight with Mr. D after the dinner. I was so stupid. Maybe that's a chance god arranged to test how was I going to handle her, yet, I picked the very wrong way to express my feeling.

o..and with my "control freak " character, I saw SMS among them (yes, bad Clipse), one of the SMS was she ask him to break up with me, I was like, what the fxxx again! And there were time that she did thigns so out of the limited even I was there, things that a woman should never do when someone's girlfriend is right there.Don't say because I am Asian, I thought that they are more Asian than I in somehow.

I knew I can't blame her for all this happen, Mr. D may send out mix message to her dad and even her, and if I can handle this in calm with a mature way, most of the painful memory may gone.

On boxing day 2010,(yea, years later)...... I saw her picture from my facebook home, from woman's six sense, I can tell who that woman is from her group photos, and as to confirm I was right, I click into her album, and yes, I was right, she is the name I knew around last Christmas time, and I burst into tears, finally facing the fact ...

To be honest, after seeing her a few time (I don't even talk to her ), deep in my heart, I know she is simply native and she is a nice person, yet, she is the pain in the ass for me! I have to get rid of her from my life, I can't let her to annoys my emotion evens in facebook! So I finally deleted her from my facebook, and I felt great after that : ) ...btw, I never understand why she wanna add me in her facebook,I never really talk to her, but for my side...I thought ...maybe I can try to be friend with her by facebook when I accept her request.

"cruel to be kind"

Didn't have any blog entry for long time (I mean in 2010), as I was a mess before. I have made the biggest joke to myself on April fool's day in 2009, and keep doing things to destroy myself in somehow.

In Dec 2010, talked to friends and family(like all the endless talks before), finally understood I have to be strong, face the fact that he is not coming back to me like he used to. On the last day of 2010, one of my very best friend told me he is "cruel to be kind" (my tears went out straight away when she said that) and I "did have my time with him". I finally understood I have to learn how to take responsibility for what I have done! I could have longer time with him, at least a few more months after I came back home, but I am the one who destroy everything, I am the one who push him to the point which no one wants to stay with me anymore.

Whenever I look back, he has went through a lot with me, and he is the one who always improved after fights, but ...I am the one who never change! All the drinking, making a fuss out of nothing, never concerns, all the swear words, anything you can name it for a bad girlfriend, I have done it...

Finally want to improve my English after he told me my English is really bad for years. In order to practice my English,all the entries will be writing in English,


I don't want to use the Frankie J's version, as this Korean singer looks much better.